I am neurotic.
It is a label discussed and given to me by many. Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis relates to me on an unfathomable level. I have many urges right now. Self harm. Quitting my job. Suicidal thoughts. Homicidal thoughts. I can't think. I am thinking too much. I feel like a higher power. I just prayed, out loud, for the death of someone that, socially, "should" be a loved one. I do not actually love him. In the case that he would see this (unlikely), I am not stating who that is. I always thought I had a personality disorder but now I am thinking it is something that I have experienced second-hand before. I have hurt someone with this disorder because I did not realize what was within myself. I did not have the resources I have now. I have such strong urges but I don't know how I am holding myself back. Maybe I know the consequences all too well. I am tired of mania. I am sick of this. I don't want it in my brain. I wish I could switch out brains with people. I don't want mine. If I could not affect others, I would die. I would die. i have already died many times. I am a person of limited and infinite capacity for complex thought. I want many things and nothing. I do not think I will throw away my items right now. I think if I were to do that then I would regret it later. I do not know how I am able to remember past experiences. I usually used to never do that before. Oh Well. I do not want my brain. I want to break something, but I cannot afford to break something. I live in an apartment now. Other people would hear. Every time I expell these feelings they come back. It is exhausting. Constant cycling. I hate a lot of things. I have a lot of hatered in my heart