On an unrelated note before I delve into things, I pierced my thirds on my lobes the other day! It was pretty nice, and I really like how they look :>) The placement is.... not the best, BUT it is getting better, and other people have said that they look good so hey, who am i to judge o_o

Recently I changed the backgrounds on my phone to just be off-gray colors instead of collages that I have made, and it really helps soothe my eyes and feel less cluttered.

I've put on this timer/mode of phone where you can choose which apps can be accessible and which can't, and as of right now I'm at about 11 hours into this. It feels awesome! Here are the guidelines for what I do have in my access and what I don't:

- is it necessary for my day-to-day life?

This part includes applications that I may have for banking, my job, or other duties that I may need to attend to.

- Messaging

For obvious reasons, I have kept my messages, phone, discord, and other apps I use to keep in touch with other people "unlocked", to be able to access whenever I want to :>) I am trying to limit my use of instagram, because in these past few days that's all i've been seeming to do lately.. and I don't like it! It's not the model body, or whatever instagram promotes for other people, but I also don't think it's good for me to surround my brain with a bunch of edgelord-bpd-meme pages. not to say bpd is edgelord or whatever, i just don't think i need to have jokes about more.... "negative" symptoms around me all the time. bleh! While it is fun to joke about being a hater, i truly do not feel that I am a hater at heart :>( I'm a lover, not a fighter... and these jokes about being a heinous bitch at all times do not help me act on my values, i have realized! so i am trying to FINALLY take a break from instagram. there are a lot of things in general that i do not agree with, such as the privacy breaches that may occur if you were to use "unity" or whatever the zuck wants to call his dystopian money-mine these days, but goodbye instagram!! GOOD RIDDANCE. i do not care how cool and customizable the messages are... other people are getting up there! i am going to try to replace instagram with discord, because discord is social! it's media! but it isn't quite the cesspool that is social media. I understand the gamer-kitten implications of discord, but it reminds me of the old web with how....... functional it is. i adore the way that you are able to create DM servers and organize everything into a little tag, just like on neocities! (okay. you got me.. not JUST like neocities, but i am a sucker for online organization, you would not believe how many folders i have on my dashboard on here, hahaha).

As some of you may or may not have seen in previous attempts at a "electronics" page (basically a display of the electronics that i own/am proud of), I really wanted a flip phone! I still think they look sick as fuck, and I really adore them.. alas! i weighed out the pros and cons of having a flip phone, and with where i'm at in my life right now, it just isn't realistic for me to not be able to carry a whole streaming service of music with me wherever i go :>( I also really appreciate applications such as uber, doordash, and the like, and messaging on a flip phone is simply not as fast as what i can do on my phone! I also have been getting really into photo editing as of recent, so i think this attempt at "digital minimalism" is a good middle ground :>)

As of typing this, I am only 12 hours into the "me time" function, but i am already noticing a decrease in my phone activity! No more scrolling endlessly, acting like a tiger in a cage going from toy to toy, dissatisfied with life. I want to be free! I want to go on walks! I have dreams, aspirations! I want to play cello! i want to watch tv, to create. i want to draw, to paint, to write. i absolutely love the art of creation, it is one of my favorite things ever. and now, with my phone only being useful for messaging, music, and photo editing, my brain feels much better. I already feel a little bit more unplugged. I don't want to be dependant on my phone, and while i loved the look of having a flip phone, making a smart phone just as functional as one really does the trick! I also have neko atsume and snake 97 available to play, as flip phones also have games on them (nowadays with the KaiOS UI, at least). I mean, even the ipod classic gen 4 had games on it!! (ITS SERIOUSLY SUCH A COOL DEVICE, I AM SOOOO MAD THAT MINE SUDDENLY STOPPED WORKING WHEN I TRIED TO PUT MUSIC ON IT T____T)

anyways, this is all to say... i can feel things going up from here. i want to live my life for ME. for so long i have been taught to not follow my gut. i have been taught to lose sight of myself.. no longer! i want to be alive. i want to be ME. and it feels good to say that after some recent and well-deserved reflecting, i am able to get there! i don't want to say i'm already at that point when i'm not and just .. discontinue working on things. but i feel this is a really good step. it may seem silly to some, "oh, you're that dependant on your cell phone?? har har". yes. i am. wake up. you probably are, too. phones exist, and if you walk onto ANY train station you'll see people with their necks shoved so far down their screens they'll look like they'll just about break. it's crazy! i want to be aware of my surroundings. (it's a little ironic to say, because due to [probable] autism, i often shut out stimuli that is overwhelming, but i digress). i DO want to be aware of my surroundings, though! i think i am getting there. this is a first step to many.

Written Tuesdya, Jan 25, 2022. 10:40am