These past few days have been really bad. Or maybe weeks. I don't really know. I don't know what's going on in my brain, truly. Please do not expect any coherent articles based upon passion from me. I am pretty sure I am dependant on weed. I have thoughts to smoke to just not feel anything anymore. I have urges to contact people that I know I shouldn't. I don't know when I will forgive myself. I know I can.. I know it's foolish of me to look on the past with the present lens that I have now. I know that "should" and "shouldn't" are forms of negative self talk.. cognitive distortions. I don't know how I have any sort of impulse control. I am glad I do, though. I don't want to make anything worse.
I genuinely believe I am an angel. I genuinely prayed the other night and prayed and prayed for my [redacted] to die. Why? I don't think I would care if they actually did, though.
So I guess I'll air out my dirty laundry, for all of neocities to see.
I ruined a lot of good things that I had. Not a lot, just one. I used to be in a relationship in highschool, it was a highschool sweethearts type of thing. You know the drill. We were both mentally ill. I wasn't being treated properly. My therapist (not anymore, thank FUCK) often acted like I could do no wrong, put names on others, the works. It made things worse.
And now I am healing. And I feel .. alone. Not just because of that loss of relationship, I have tried to get over it. I don't know if I did it successfully, though. I don't think that person would be reading this blog anytime soon, so I will share with all of my chest. My entire heart will be displayed on this weblog.
I am delusional. I think I am, at least. I genuinely believe I am a being of higher power, almost. JUst look at the index page of my neocities. It almost disguists me. I am not worthy of that title... but aren't angels not worthy of praise? So it still fits. The thing is, once you are aware of it, you expect it to go away. It hasn't. This morning I felt guilt because I haven't been going to church, I have neglected my duties as a disciple of the Lord. I thought I was done with this... with religion. It's coming back and seeping into my being, like an evil waste.
Last therapy session was emotional. I told my therapist about figures I have seen (or felt, at least), consistently throughout my adolescence-now. Yesterday, last night, I felt like I felt him again. I don't like that these things are coming back. My friends tell me it is okay that I acted the way that I did, because I was in a different mentality. But I can feel myself slipping. I don't want to resort to those old habits. I don't want to be mentally ill. I don't want to harrass someone in hopes that if i send ONE MORE MESSAGE, that'll be the one thing that saves me. THEN, she will respond. its bullshit. I am really glad she stood her ground. Who knows where things would be if she didn't. And not to insinuate that it is her duty to make me, or anyone, better. it is nobody's duty except for my own. I am learning that.
Sometimes, things will get so bad that I consider my coping mechanisms and don't use them. I don't know. My suicidal thoughts have been increasing as of late. I am dipping. This is the decline on my axis. I wish things could get magically better.. but I know they won't.
I know if I opened up to my therapist about it, she would try to fix things. But I kind of don't want her to. I know who I am. I have identity. This is all I have ever wanted, but it doesn't feel right. It feels like the other mother from Coraline. Maybe she would try to fix it because it is disturbing me and making me feel unneccessary guilt. Maybe.. I don't know. Does anyone read these? Maybe I'll make a guestbook again. I don't know why my last one went down, but it did.
I just want to feel happy. I just want to feel content in my life choices. Will I forever overwork myself in order to make ends meet? I wish so desparately for solitude... yet, I don't trust myself with that. I don't know what would happen if I were truly alone. But I still really want it. I want other people to suffer, because I am suffering. I wish i wihs i wish i wish i wihs.
I feel foolish typing out my genuine emotions.. I have let my blog become a facade. Something that I present towards others, as I have shared my neocities links to people I know irl.. "here! look at this cool thing i made!". please do not contact me if you see this and know me in real life. I just want a safe space to vent. I don't want to talk. I don't know what I want.
Just took an edible so :DDD we will see if i chill the fuck out. I know it's not good to do shit like that, but YOLO!!!!! better than being a heinous bitch.
WRITTEN FEBRUARY 28TH, 2022.