I keep messing up..

I was trying to warn my friend to not get too attached to me, as I am unstable. I just wanted him to know that shit may hit the fan, and not to get toooooo reliant on me, as that may cause issues for him. I think, because of how vague and cryptic it was, it came off as vaguely suicidal :/ great. By trying to warn others of my state and condition, I am just ruining what I have. I don't really want to... I don't know. I can't stop comparing my relationships. I don't know.

I think looking at her blog really should be considered a form of self harm. I hope she looks at mine through whatever is going on.. my new therapist stated that I seem unstable. She directly said after it, "it isn't a bad thing", but it should be noted (or something like that, ended quotes before the quote was over because I can't quite remember what's going on).

She really is a good therapist, though. I asked yesterday if she wanted my website link, and she said that would be breaking the patient-doctor moral code or whatever. Something about privacy? Again, the details are fuzzy. Everything is fuzzy. I keep waking up, feeling like I'm a new person. Back to the paragraph at hand, my old therapist was really bad. Travis, if you are reading this, I do not care. U were a terrible therapist and honestly u should probably just go back to being a pilot because ur not a good therapist. My old therapist happily accepted my website link, and I made a whole, "IF UR MY THERAPIST; CLICK HERE!!" flashing gif thing.

I can't stop reminiscing (? I don't even care to spellcheck right now, I NEED to get these thoughts of mine out) on the past. A whole year has passed just about, and she said she wanted me to just move on and forget about it. I really want to be able to. These are thoughts that are plaguing me. I don't want to consistently (cyclical. everything is cyclical. when i think things are over they always happen again. i want out!!!) think about a loss. It hurts. I just want a true love where they are obsessed with me JUST as much as I am with them! Is that deranged to ask for? I genuinely don't know I am actually asking right now. I don't know.... I just feel empty. I have everything I want, except.. I don't know. I know if I were to contact someone again, it would just prove that I cannot follow boundaries. Which I have been really careful of as of late! Not with lack of contacting, that's easy. Just making my own and following other people's boundaries. I think that's where my issue was. I didn't know how to have boundaries for myself, so I just let whatever bothered me boil and boil and boil and blow. That's my hypothesis, at least. I can't really remember. I don't want to think about that, though. But I still entertain the thoughts, right? I don't know.

Anyways, moving on is really hard when you keep comparing. After the (brief; 4 day.........) relationship I had, I compared. Did my excitement for him match the one i had for her? I don't think so! And now, I am in the midst of something.... an odd friendship. Does it match? Is it the same level of fondness? I need that same level of trust back, but I have broken it irreparably. I don't know.

In my fantasy, we get back together and everything is just dandy. But is that really what would be best for me? I think she is just as unstable as I. I don't know. I think I should make a pros and cons of that relationship as a whole and look back on it when I have these thoughts that want to whisk me away into fantasy wonderland. Like, are these thoughts of her because of the unstableness? I don't know!!!

My roomate says that when there is a dip in mental health, we (humans) often try to go back to old coping mechanisms. Old people, old relationships. Maybe that's it? I can't really tell. It wasn't a big ISSUE until I saw that post that mentioned me in it. That gave me hope and now I am neurotic!! Just kidding, HHHAHAHAHHAHA that wasn't the cause of my neurosis (obviously). On a lighter note, my therapist referred me to a PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION!!!!! Psych Evals have saved my LIFE. When my mom never wanted to get me a therapist and I always had to ask and ask and ask, and she would never "know where to start", I had to go to the hospital. I knew it was my only chance at getting help. And it worked! That's the sad thing! It actually WAS my only chance at getting help! It's so fucking pathetic. Why did I have to beg for respect? With this one dude I never had to do that.. it feels really nice. I don't know. Again, comparing comparing comparing. I don't even know what I feel for him. I said to not get attached, and he said he was eating dinner and got worried o_o. Oopsies!!!!!!!! Just emotionally remove yourself from me, it'll be easier that way. I don't know what is ever going on!

Anyways, psych eval. She says it'll be different from just a regular suicide evaluation, which apparently she does at all times during therapy, HAHAHAHA. Man, my old therapist really sucked. He SAID he would do DBT, but never really taught me any skills? Just went on long analogies and talked about how his wife wasn't doing well, so we never really had any set scheduled appointments. I love routine, and that was not a routine! Anyways, now that I am an adult I need to set up appointments myself.. gonna challenge myself to do that today!! I am not reliant on others! Often I feel I was raised to be this docile bird who never said no.. I think my mom doesn't like when I say no, HAHAHA. The other day, she demanded I hold her hand and I said no. She said "no?". Actually, I had to say no TWICE! The first Time I said, "no, thank you", she said, "oh, just hold my hand". Fuckin crazy. I have been conditioned to be this perfect princess all of my life.

I think assigning responsibility for my traumas will be hard. I think it will ruin relationships I had that were once... fine.. due to blissful ignorance. I want to be ignorant!!!

Anyways, I want my legs to heal from doing so many lunges, and ALSOOO on a positive note, I HAVE COUCHES!! THEY ARE SOOO LOVELY. I can actually lounge in my apartment now! Yas!

WRITTEN 03/02/22

I don't know.. I just think it would be nice to show her my apartment :>) I know it is a silly fantasy that I shouldn't entertain, but it would be so cool! I have so many things that are good, that are interesting, so many items. I guess I just don't want that part of my life to be for nothing.. I know there is a lot ahead of me, but it just feels.. odd. Maybe I will ask my therapist on how to move on once I am more stable. idk. I really want to. I don't want to cling to these notions like they are what's going to happen. It's like I can't escape it.. it was just really nice having someone who wouldn't judge the things that I went through, and I knew that for a fact because she went through similar things. We liked such similar things, like music, and old tech, and horror, and many others. I was just very mentally ill and very very insecure. It seeped into everything I knew. It is sad. And now I have new connections, connections that have good similarities, and I don't know what to do with them. I feel the need to pull away from everything I know right now. To isolate. To burn bridges. I don't TRULY want to, but the urges are there. I am feeling a bit better than I have been feeling these past few days, though. Who knows, maybe blogging helped! idk! Being able to scream into a void that you know other people MAY be connected to is nice.