My day has been pretty average today. I think I discovered I am lesbian today, after all. My experience with CompHet has been.. difficult.
I think for every gay person, it is hard to accept as true. It is hard to accept your gayness as real, as a preference, as something you can't force to not be there. It's hard to accept. Compulsory Heterosexuality, or CompHet, is a phenomenon known by many, and unfortunately is an internal struggle I don't know if I will ever live without.
Even as I write this, I am still unsure about my sexuality. My roomate states, "it is okay, not everyone needs a label on things". I love labels. They help me understand myself, and if I can't understand something as simple as my sexuality, do I really know myself? My therapist has a theory that I don't have a sense of self, but I am trying to learn. starting with morals, and evetually I will get to identity. I don't know what I am. I don't think I'm anything. I Don't want to get depressing in my philosophies, but I am simply putting words to my experience without any words attached.
As I write this I think I see a figure I have felt many times in the hallway of my apartment. I keep glancing up, thinking that something is going to be there. It isn't. BUt what's scary is that I almost am seeing it as I focus on the words I am typing. Why is the shift key so hard to press if it is such a common thing to use? My pinkie feels it's gonna break, here. Maybe I should press it with my right hand instead. it feels easier but I can't seem to break the instinct.
I know I said I was scared, But I really am not feeling fear. I feel nothing; I feel apathetic. I am just bracing myself for things to get worse, for things to keep rolling down the hill, picking up speed. It would almost be comforting to have someone that was there JUST for me, though. That didn't have a life outside of me, to dedicate their time for me. It's like a 24/7 therapist. A true best friend (with the toxic mentality of "me me me me me").
Back to the topic at hand: Lesbianism. I am a classic bra-burning dyke, except I don't believe in RadFem Rhetoric so I am technically better than whatever evil lesbian u may picture in your head.
I THINK I SHOULD UPDATE: 3/11/22: I am not lesbian, I am bisexual. I keep getting caught up on swinging from one label to another, and at this point I may just say I'm queer, idk. We will see!