I wish I weren't as sick.
I wish I were born differently, made from a different mold
I wish I was able to understand my emotions better at my younger age.
I am going to get a psychiatric evaluation March 31st. I have __ more days.
I don't really know what to do. I feel stuck between sociable and asocial. I make lists of my friends, sort them, decide how I feel about people.. I feel I always either under or overestimate what people think of me as. Ususally, it's underestimate. I feel like the reincarnate of Franz Kafka, the feeling of being subhuman, a roach among giants is in the back of my head a lot.
I wish I hadn't have maken the mistakes that I did. I know looking in the past all the time isn't good, though. I want to be told what's going on. I want to be honest with more than one person. I want people to know and not seem shocked. I don't want to trigger them. And so, that's where professionals come in. My therapist is a good person to confide things to, AND she cannot diagnose/medicate me :( So, I must open up to another! I am excited, and nervous. I am trying to prepare myself. I want this to happen.
I've been thinking of one-bedroom apartments lately.. I don't know for sure what would be needed, but if I was considered to be "abandoning" my current roomate like the last person, I don't think that I would care. I think that if you move out, you should be able to support yourself one way or another. And they have found a way to do so, but I cannot let myself be stepped over to pay for two people. I don't know.. I wish so desparately to be alone. I want to live alone so badly. I hate living with other people. I always have to put on a face when I am home with others. But with myself? That would be so nice..
I also don't like how there's a singular bulb in either bedroom here that's just in the corner of the room... it makes the lighting in each bedroom a little awkward and uneven. Nitpicky, I know, But I don't really care.
As creepy as this may seem, I do believe in soulmates. I feel i passed up a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I found someone that understood me on a catatonic level, no words needed to exchange knowledge. Now, I feel catatonic. I don't feel things for others. No words to speak. I have ups and downs, of course. I keep falling for the facade of new relations, but I get bored of them quickly. Is that leading people on? Is mass ghosting from dating sites rude? I feel people should expect it on there.. those aren't the types of places you find true love. It feels like when people get close to me they don't like me, so I just don't feel as close to people anymore. I know it sounds defeating and sad, but it's true. I just don't feel that much need to be around others. I really wish to be alone. I know I stated I wanted to live alone but I didn't trust myself to, but now I think I am ready. I think the cons of living with _ outweigh the pros.
Listening to Ayesha Erotica Right now. I like her music, as well as Millionaires. I was/am going to put them on my 2000s nostalgia webpage, but we will see!
Looked up how to feel alive right now, and it was all general "believe ahead of you!" or whatever, but one of them said the first thing to do was to workout and get the heart pumping. I think I will try it. I have been trying to get back into pushups and the like, but I am just not that good at building routine on it.
10:38pm (several hours later)
Currently listening to Anthony Green. I like quite a bit of his music. "East Coast Winters" and "Right Outside" and "She Loves Me So" are my favorite songs by him. I didn't NECESSARILY exercise, but I have done some laundry that I let pile up! So that feels good :>) I also have just finished re-organizing my room! Now my bed is awkwardly blocking the second door I have, and connects to the wall opposite to the window one it once laid by. I have also put the bunjee cord chair in my room, as I really like the idea of a space to sit besides my bed.. I don't always like going to the communal space that is the living room in order to do things that I could just do in my room (or would prefer to do in my room). SO NOW I have a space to do so! Yay. Today, at my way to CVS (the "necessarily" part of my exercise today) I got this file folder, and it has a bit of slots for different papers. I really made use of it! I have a lot of papers that were also piling up, and that thing is a HUGE help! I have many thoughts. Not at all times, but I am just thinking of how much i am writing.. earlier I was struggling to think of things to say! That's crazy to me! Anyways, I really enjoy the new aspects of my room. Plus, the cord chair doesn't look tacky in between the living and dining room anymore :>) yayayay! I like my room now. Let's goooO!!!!
Cleaning makes my brain happy. I like that I don't get yelled at for slacking now. I can just do it when I feel like it. I don't make a mess for myself, and I tidy up after messes I make in communal spaces. I am the perfect being. Not really, LOL. Pobody's Nerfect.
Today as I was doing/folding laundry back at my place, I was watching some youtube True Crime. My favorite type of true crime youtube documentary is those that are mostly an analysis on interviews/interrogations + background info and a conclusion. My reccomendations (?) are JCS - Criminal Psychology and and this dude.