I wish I was born different.

I wish I was made of a different mold. Born of a different family. Raised in a different manner. Had different cognitive distortions. Had a different affliction.

I genuinely don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to stop this sick obsession. I have already hurt people in a way I can never take back. Why am I still not fixed? I am trying so hard. I wish I didn't ruin my life. It isn't ruined, but I am forcibly starting fresh. I can't stop thinking about the past. I don't know how to stop it. I don;t know how to stop.

I fear a lot of things. I hate a lot of things. I fear that I will get this evaluation in two weeks and I will blank. The moment has already passed, so I have naturally forgotten about what had been going on. I have no idea what is happening, so I don't speak. The psychiatrist asks how things are going, and I say good. Because I can't remember what it feels like to feel bad even though it is such a recurring experience. I just can't remember anything. I wish I were different. I want to be different. I am so scared to learn what is going on with me. Part of me wants to forever live in blissful ignorance. An ignorance that feeds into this illness, because it cannot be properly treated if not named. I want to know what is going on. I wish for some things to be different. I wish I hadn't have acted certain ways. I wish I understood boundaries better back then. I don't know why I didn't. Part of me just wants it to be over.

I change over and over and over and over but I still feel empty on the inside. We will see what this underlying emptiness really is. I am hoping it isn't anything too bad or stigmatized. I know I would have judgements if I did.

A lighter note, I'm supposed to go on a date with this dude from tinder this suday.. we will see how that goes. He wants to cuddle. I think he is really into me. I don't know. I am NOTORIOUS for ghosting people.. oops.. i don't want to!! i really don't. i just get scared. i usually tell people if i am not into them, though. my last relationship i got rlly into lasted FOUR DAYS and they said they just weren't into me like that.... idk i feel like u should've known if u didn't like me or not? but i know should have is a cognitive distortion, LOL. it makes me feel like the more people get to know me, the more dispicable and unlikeable i am. i don't know.. maybe i should give this guy a chance? i want to weigh out the pros and cons of contacting said person i hurt and apologizing. i know i already have, probably a lot, but i don't.. really remember? i know she just wants me to drop it.. i want to as well. there's an itching notion in the back of my mind. maybe the 31st they can give me some advice for that.

I didn't do a full paper list, but just based on the "con" that contacting her WOULD be a violation of her boundaries, i cannot do it. i don't know why i'm writing this on my blog. maybe so that she can see? it sounds pathetic to say, really. it makes me feel preformative. i just feel stuck. i know i'm not.. that i can choose to not check.. jamie says i have a choice of my urges, that i don't have to act on them. she is right. i can choose to not act on them. sometimes i don't.

all of my recent relationships feel fake. well, not fake. but not the same. they just feel like.. mundane? there's cons with a lot of them. or, at least, drama. heavy drama with my living situation. heavy drama with some friends due to that situation. other friends are cool, like poppy and finn. they aren't drama-orientated. i know we used to have some, because of various reasons (most being i wouldn't think before speaking. i am better on that). we all outlined boundaries and now things are goood! listening to anthony green east coast winters right now.

part of me has this fantasy that if i were to contact her again then she would forgive me and we would be hunky dory....... WRONG!!!!!!! i have made so many mistakes with her the mere thought that she is in the same car as her grandma in drive thru at my job made me physically ill once. almost. it was probably a panic attack or something. thinking i see her in real life makes me panic. yet, the back of my brain yearns for her. it's such an interesting dichotomy. i wish i only felt the fear, fear that my presence would make her uncomfortable, rather emotions that CREATED her being uncomfortable. she said that if i didn't drop it, then she would get her parents involved. i don't mean to speak ill of those that don't really do anything wrong, but they have done a lot wrong. she deserved so much better. i hope my relation to her didn't sour the taste of love for life. i hope she is able to find joy within herself. i want to do the same. i really want to live on my own.. that would be so nice. i say i want to be with her, but i blocked her on facebook in fear of our orchestra teacher hating me and telling her that i was on there. so which is it? do i want her or am i afraid?

I guess I just don't want it to be for nothing. I finally opened up about being a borderline-stalker to my therapist last session, and she asked if she was good for me. I can't really remember. I know she used to struggle with a lot, and because I didn't know shit about boundaries I would just .. get triggered and blow up? I guess? I didn't know how to communicate that I was uncomfortable, so I would express it like a beat dog. If you touch a beat dog's ass, it'll bite you. But humans are more complex than dogs.. i used to wish that people would excuse humans like they did abused dogs... people get it when abused dogs piss everywhere out of fear, but don't get it when people do the same metaphorical thing. BUT PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT THAN DOGS!!! and i am supa smart >:) i am capable of change and growth! getting this all out is actually really making me feel better... i used to not get online diaries, because i would be scared that people would see and know me and know my intimate thoughts... but a lot of the time i just wouldn't give my thoughts the time of day to even exist! so it feels good to be able to do now :>)

Instead of focusing on distracting relationships, I would like to focus on ME. Get better, and I have already come so far! About a year ago I don't even remember what was going on.. things are still iffy, but I am finding more answers, processing trauma, learning/using skills :>) things like that < 3

this annoying guy S*th is back at my store. it's kind of reminding me of my ex. we used to talk about him because he would be annoying. earlier he traumadumped at work about how when his parents/dad found out he found porn and jacked off to it, he was forced to repent and be part of this weird repent thing at his mormon church. i think it was triggering, i have my own religious shit i deal with. i just hope i don't have to work with him. i asked my boss and coworker to never work with him again, i was almost in tears of anger. he is just so irritating. no man makes me as irritated as him for some reason.

i truly believe the OPPORTUNITY to do something, but choosing not to for the greater good, is what makes you strong. and i am strong. i can choose to not do things. So instead, I write on this blog, for all to see.

If i am going to be BRUTALLY HONEST on my blog now, might as well go the full 9 yards! Last night my friend Avery came over, and we watched My Friend Dahmer. It got to the scene where he was going to kill the dog, and both my roomate and her said nope nope, not gonna see a dog get killed! i respect their knowledge on their limits, but that is not my limit. i went to watch the rest of the movie on my own time this morning, and THE DOG DOESN'T EVEN DIE. IT DOESN'T GET HURT AT ALL. he lets it go. pussy move! not a pussy move it just.. :( wish we finished the movie, but i understand! i used to be anal abt only watching unwatched movies, for some reason? I am not so much anymore, LOL.

Written 03/17/22