I don't really know what to put in here, but I feel a need to move past the last Blog that I made.

I feel like it's hard for me to open up to people

To get close to them, to allow myself to trust them. When I talk to some of my friends I just see differences, am apparently aware of how different I am. And I don't mean to ostracize myself, or intentionally outcast myself by stating that. It's just true

WIth an old coworker of mine, I would ask things like "if my personality was a [menu item], which would I be?".. he stated "[redacted]", one of the most disguisting items we have on our menu. After someone else asked it and got a response of a normal food, she asked why and he explained that she was chill or whatver. I asked why he chose mine. He said, "because you get it, and you're like, 'what the fuck did i just get?'". It makes me feel like i AM what i speak of. I am a giant roach, infiltrating the lives of others. it's just a belief. I never finished the book Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, but I wish I did while I had such an accessible library. I think a lot of highschoolers take libraries for granted, it's quite sad.

I think.. I think the reason that I have such a hard time of letting go of the past is that it was hard for me to open up. Well, not then. Back then I was still awkward but a little bit more normal, maybe. Now, it's hard for me to attach. To form basic attachments. I want to feel safe and secure around others, but I can't. I just think that I'm different, that they think of me as such, etc. etc. etc. I speak my mind and people think of me as odd. I have odd beliefs. The works. I know I'm not normal. I think she just understood me on a really deep level and we had SOOO many similar interests, all while being distinctly different people. crazy!

I really wish I hadn't acted the way that I did at the end of my more serious relationship in life.. but there isn't a way to take it back. There is no "undo", and every effort I made to attempt to amend it was driving them further away. I don't really know what to do, now. I feel truly alone, but I don't desire a relationship. I just reflect on the ones I have had and think about how it felt. I don't feel like starting from scratch. I have been able to love "hard and fast" (my therapist's quote) in many, many, crushes after, but they never last. And after each one my mind just goes back to that original spark. The first love. Whatever name you want for it. Because, even though I was chronically fearful of being judged, I knew I wasn't with them. That's rare. I only have a handful of people (kind of less than that) that I Feel that way about now. I wish I hadn't pushed her boundaries. I wish I understood boundaries back then.. that even if you don't realize them, once you do, you HAVE to respect them. I think all of my life boundaries weren't taught to me, I was just a product of my environment. It isn't an excuse, it's just a reason.

Currently listening to Right Outside by Anthony Green (ft. Chino Moreno), and it's really good. I can't stop listening to it.

Pinto Bean is my favorite housemate. Each house I live in, I eventually come to favor the pets that live there rather the people that reside in it. I think it's a little funny. But really, pinto is a doll. I love him, I think. This morning at work, I was excited to come home just to see him. I love the way that he cuddles with me and is there for me just through his mere presence. I love animals, and I have STRONG opinions on those that mistreat them.

My General rules for animals are:

  • Yelling is usually never necessary (especially in human relations, yelling is NEVER okay. Yelling shows the lack of communication, there is ALWAYS a way to calm down and appropriately address a topic. On the same note, yelling at housepets to the point where they cower in fear is fucked up. Point blank)
  • Hitting is NEVER okay. NEVER. It will NEVER be okay. it is NOT acceptable to hit a dog, cat, turtle, etc. just to "teach it" or "discipline" it. I don't get it.
  • I have so much empathy for animals. my roomate bats their cat (pinto) on the head when he does something wrong, so it motivates me to be as extra loving as possible with him.. it makes me so sad. I love pinto. i wish only the best for him, truly. It makes me upset when things like that happen. I don't like it when people mistreat animals. All of my life my family has been in this weird, morally-gray, area for animal treatment, but this definitely crosses the line for me. I don't know what to do, sometimes I accidentally audibly gasp when my roomate does it, and they say, "oh, its okay, it doesn't hurt him", but i can see his ears go down and his tail flicker :( he is turning stone cold...

    Something I find interesting, is that even though I have been blocked on all sites possible, neocities isn't one of them. It is probably wishful thinking, but it feels like a sign. I think I have a delusion that we'll get back together and be merry on our gay little way. I am NEVER contacting her first, though. I have done that enough times!! My parents used to say, "she knows where to find you, if she wanted to talk, she would". It reminds me of the tiktok saying that goes, "if he wanted to, he would". And it's true!! So, I am just posting my silly little thoughts on neocities for all to see, and that is all! [redacted], if you are seeing this and would like to block me on Neocities, then I would highly suggest it, I guess! I understand all of your actions and fears of me, and I wish I had acted differently when I had the chance. You deserve someone who doesn't project insecurities and expect you to .. abide by them? I guess? For lack of better word, LOL.

    Also, to update about S*th from work : we are cool!! I think after talking to him about boundaries we click, and I actually enjoy work! It's a nice feeling. I think I really compartmentalize things, so I'm trying to mention as many things as possible on here. As far as self image, I am really liking the way that I look! Of course, I have underlying insecurity, but for the most part I would say I am secure in my image! I like a little pudge here and there, it feels nice to not be super insecure :>) yay for growth! probably gonna play some binding of isaac or sally face next, yas! BUT something weird about the dude from work is that he mentioned last night we were rockin, and then quickly said, NOT LIKE THAT!! ........ bruh. nobody thought of it like that until u said so? fucking awwwwkwarddd..... i hate most men. also i said men were dirty and i think he genuinely got confused.. LOL. he said he wasn't a rapist just bc of other men, and he doesn't want to be lumped into that category. he talks about a lot of non-work things at work.. it is interesting, i guess!

    Written 03/18/22