Feeling: Irritated

Why is it that when you withdrawal money for paypal it gives you a fee? And then, on top of that, it gives you a fee to simply pay through a debit card on my rent paying site :/ it is really annoying, considering I tell the other rent payer that they have to give the specific amount for rent instead of including the fees... maybe I should up the anny soon, so that the fee's are covered and I don't have to pay for so many of them in consession out of pocket. I am excited for payday in a week! Whoo!

I'm also really obsessed with my ex at the moment and it's driving me insane! I have no hard feelings towards them, I just wish things were different. The wishing, reflecting. It is stuck in my brain

I think I am going to try and read this neurotypical identity book my therapist is letting me borrow.. she stated that it really resonated/blew her away in college, and she is letting me read it! I showed it to my roomate/told them about it, and they said, "I'll have to borrow that sometime". . . erm O_O no please? no asking? This literally isn't your posession, at all. it isn't even really my posession to let people borrow... awkward! So I'll just read it and give it back when I can :>)

I am really excited to read it, though. My therapist clearly outlined not to take it as a definition of myself, and to only use it as a frame of reference for a NEUROTYPICAL view of IDENTITY. not my own, i guess. I don't have a sense of identity, and we have been trying to work on forming a solid sense for quite a while, but I still have no idea on a lot of things! I don't know my sexuality, my gender, my everything. I know my race, my age. Those are factors that cannot be changed or subject to influence, after all.

Sometimes I wish to know more about myself, but most of the time I am content being a black hole, a lack of identity, whatever you would like to call it.

Currently Pinto Bean is in my lap. It is really nice. I just gotta focus on the little things that are positive, rather letting all of the little negative things get me down! It can be hard, but I believe it is possible. I am excited to see what happens the 31st! My appointment is at 10am, so I asked my mom (who is taking me) if

I don't know what I was going to say. I am going to take a break from neocities. I don't think it's good for me to be able to see something that I know hurts me. I genuinely almost added her on facebook. I am so scared of myself. Why do I keep trying to find loopholes? She doesn't want to talk to me, so adding her on facebook, reminding her of such a failed and heinous relationship must be okay!!!!!!!! it's fucking pathetic. I will be back in at least a month or two. I need time.