Today is March 30th. My psychiatric evaluation is TOMORROW!!!!!!! That is insane. My ex appeared in my dream and it was orchestra class and we were playing for some sort of musical in the gym of some random school?? I don't know.. earlier in the dream my roomate almost exposed to my [current, now ex] crush my . . . preferences and i was so embarrassed. It was kind of nice, in the dream my ex ignored me in lue of their friend at school (realistic behavior) and at some point she kiiiind of talked to me? it was almost like closure. I used to think that I needed her to talk to me directly in order to get that, but now I don't think so. I think it is a little wrong of me to voice these thoughts in a space where she can see them if she so chooses, but I don't really feel like whipping out my diary right now. I feel at peace with where things are, I think. I just want to focus on me. And I have gotten a lot better, why would I have to prove that to her? Especially when she doesn't want to hear from me, it would just be non-logical! I like to sometimes think of the reasons it wouldn't have worked out anyways, she was kind of invalidating in my emotions and was also had an adversion to men so I don't know if she would stay through my transition. Like right after I started being nasty towards her she used the wrong pronouns for me LOLLLLL. I think I need to stop having a black and white view, only being able to remember the good, then only being able to remember the bad. I need to remember both to move on and heal properly!! I think when I remember people I remember their smile most. It's what's also happening with this ex crush. He had really nice teeth as well. My DREAM tattoo is getting the bite mark of my loved one (probably of at least a year or two before I get a couples tattoo) tatted right on my left hip. My right one has a little strawberry :>) I sticked and poked it while i was .. under the influence, but I do not regret it! I think it looks so cute lolol. I also NEVER felt judged before. There was this one time I shared my tooth brushing habits that were a bit embarassing.. and she shared her mentality that keeps her brushing her teeth, but I took it personally HAHAHHA. Anyways, I used to feel like we had a lot of similar interests. Sometimes I feel it will be impossible to find another who is sooooo similar to me. I am hoping . . I am hoping, I don't know what I'm hoping. I'm not really hoping anything right now, because I just don't feel the need for anything of the sort right now. I want to focus on me as I get a car and move out and move out once again! I think it will be nice :>) Very excited for these changes. I also need a psychiatrist! UGH!!! I tried for all the people my therapist recommended but none of them are taking new patients. I WOULD go for my sisters psych, but she's a minor and I am an adult. Ugggghhhhh. We will see! My therapist really wants me to have a psychiatrist set up so when i get diagnosed with.. whatever it is, i will be able to get the proper meds ASAP but i will tryyyy to get one... idk.we will see!
MY red flags back then were definitely... that I was sooooo insecure. It would leach and seep into everything I knew. One time I thought my ex going to therapy meant that they would come together against me and then she would realize i was a bad person (another deep seeded insecurity) and leave me. The leaving eventually happened LMFAO but not really because of what I said. Though, I do think therapy can really help you have boundaries! Another red flag is that I didn't know boundaries like at all. So interesting to see develop! Who would've thunk that after moving out I would learn to grow a spine :">) It feels so good!!!!!!!
Anyways, about that guy, it is no longer!
I never went to write those down. I am now at my mom's house. Currently watching Creep. I love these movies so much. I feel like the main character at times.. When I got a gas mask I would wear it around the house and wait for people to see me creeping just sitting there staring at them. One time it freaked my sister out. It was really funny.
Written 03/30/22