I am in the car. My mom is going to drive me to Kansas to get a psychiatric Evaluation. I am nervous. I used to have a lot of toxic behaviors. I hope I can get peace. I have my good luck charms with me, the single pelvis and vertebrae of the possum I found at the creek.
I hate having so much... subliminal trauma? I used to compare and compare and compare and not know how to communicate. Explosive situation, person. But I am now getting better steps at a time. I don't want to mend situations, I just want to make new ones that will be better. I am excited for the future. I fear if I were to go back to old people, it would just bring up old feelings and habits. It is not my responsibility to mend others, or for others to sit and wait for me to mend myself. Growing together is an interesting concept, but it simply isn't realistic. I have tried time and time again, and if you both are trying to grow out of problematic behaviors, then it'll just fester. Explode. I am glad these past few experiences have been caught before they exploded. Am I regretful? Yes. However, I cannot keep bashing on myself for the past. I know what I did wrong. and I am resolidifying new habits. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I am writing this for myself, not for anyone else to see. I know others will see, inevitably, but I don't really care. I don't have much to hide. In my lifetime I have hit, yelled, cried, broke. Etc. But I am learning still. It doesn't mean those behaviors were okay, but the more you learn about what right to do, the more you realize what wrong you did. It's funny, also the more you learn, you realize you shouldn't mope as much. In another situation I would just be sitting here crying about how bad I've been. But I don't want to do that. I want to move on.
I like myself. I am not afraid to admit it. I am finally able to establish boundaries and I wouldn't go back for anything. I consider moving back in, time and time again. But they would treat me so much worse than any menial issue I have found within the apartment this far. I am so glad I was able to move out. I am full of gratitude for my ability to be alive and thrive, even though I have been pruned raw. Now I am blooming. It seemed impossible. I am glad it is not. I don't even care that I didn't go to school for cello, because I wouldn't have the same skills I do now if I did. I am so glad. I am very glad.
Excited to see whatever they diagnose me with. I don't expect too much, but I am hoping for an explanation to what I can only refer to as, "potential psychosis". It comes and goes. We will see! Very excited :>) Less and less fear. Hoping my mom doesnt try and go into this with me. She tends to make statements about me in these types of offices and it exposes how she truly thinks of me. I am excited that I am an adult and able to make my own decisions. It feels good.