It's just one thing after another. Just found out that my dad is basically a pedophile. He always creeped me out as a kid. Just came onto my friend on their 18th birthday. He came onto his step daughter. She somehow forgives him.
I don't know if I feel disgusted.
I don't know if I feel fear.
I guess this proves that I can feel empathy.
I don't ever want to see him again.
My friends recently told me that they feel I use them to vent and only talk to them when it is conveniant for me. Maybe it's true. I don't know what to say. I want to get my thoughts together and have a good response. Maybe it will never be good enough. Talked to my therapist about it and she said she doesn't think I have the capacity for healthy relationships right now. I don't know how to tell them that I am constantly exhausted and am trying not to kill myself every other day wuthout it sounding guilt trippy. I don't know what to say. It's all going so bad. It's going so downhill. 8 days until my psychiatric evaluation. If they don't want to listen to my problems then they don't have to. I know things are supposed to be a two way street. I just can't handle other people's problems right now. If that makes me a bad friend then so be it. If they don't feel proritized because I treat everyone just like I treat them then so be it.
I don't know what to do.
I knew he was fucking disgusting. I fucking knew it.
I don't know who to tell about this. I don't want to be too much. I don't want to be too much. I want to be a good friend. I don't want to keep dumping shit onto other people because my life is pathetic and has seemingly endless tragedies because I don't know how to cope myself or how to validate myself. I want to learn, though. I don't know. I'll talk to them once I get better.
He also is drinking again. He isn't even sober anymore. What's the point in trying with him. There's nothing left but dissapointment and disgusting rhetoric. I don't want to see him again until we're face to face in his casket.
Written April 12,th 2022