I don't know how to feel. I don't really know. Yeah, it wasn't a horrible situation. Could've been worse. But that isn't it? I guess? That isn't.. it isn't about what could've been, it's about what actually happened. And what happened is he did something again that I thought stayed in the past, at least 10 or so years ago. I thought he had changed. And now he has the same behaviors. And he's doing them again. I don't know what to think.

He (different person) always tells me, "it could have been worse, the first was a wifebeater". "Oh, you were lucky, my dad hated my siblings and I got the golden child effect and constantly lied". Yeah but my mom wasn't able to fucking leave him. She tried. He pined for her. I wish we weren't exposed to him. I was with him all of my life. I still have a relationship with him. I don't want to.

I think he taught me a lot of bad habits. Exposed me to bad things. He believes he is a good person. Is against what you should be. Yet he grooms and attempts to destroy others. He is still drinking. Still. His only redeeming quality was that he was barely sober and now he doesn't even have that. I don't want him. I don't want him. He will try to be my father but I don't want him.

I wish I wasn't born into the circumstances I was. That my therapist is the only person who has properly validated me in my life, probably ever. Everyone else would deny. They would excuse. They would tell me, "oh, look at their side" their point of view. Guess what, fucktard, I already know why they did that probably! Can't you ever say that, "wow, I'm sorry that happened to you and I love you and I understand you are hurt and I will do my best as your guardian to help you". No. Never. They always excuse and excuse and excuse and excuse and excuse. I wish I had realized their effects sooner. It seemed i wasn't able to understand what was happening to me until I removed myself from the situation.

I used to have a vague understanding of right and wrong back then. That these things were wrong, these were right.

Hot girls have mommy AND daddy issues.

Took a Youtube break (#coping) of one of my favorite review-youtubers, and it made me stumble upon Kanye West's website. Here are my thoughts.

1. The Stem Player.

This thing seems really cool. Apparently Donda 2 is only streaming through this player, as I found out through the video, but there is plenty of other Kanye music to listen to and I enjoy the fact that he is able to express himself however he wants to (or, publish himself however he wishes). I think being able to mix your music as its playing with such an (not monetarily) accessible, easily transportable, device is really neat. I would love to see how people could play with some songs by pierce the veil or the like. I would like to listen to my music on it and be able to mix it, but I don't think I would purchase it. I think that it would be too costly of an item for something I would use once in a blue moon, but the concept is really nice! I wonder if anyone who owns one takes any requests...

2. KanYe's WebSite

I don't really think that Kanye himself built this website, but it could be very possible. He probably hired a web designer, but regardless, I think it looks outstanding. I really enjoy Kanye's minimalism. I also do not enjoy aspects of it. This paragraph is to explain why. A full display of the stemplayer, front and center. Easy, digestible, clean. I like how simple the navigation is, while containing lots of different information. I think this will inspire me to update my "about me" page. I will just start from scratch. I cannot explain it, i just really like the feel of his site. I want to be similar. I aspire to be similar, but not exact.

Do I think Kanye is a minimalist poser? Not exactly. I think that his home with kim was .. baren, lifeless, but ultimately was what HE wanted. And I think self-expression is the most important form of self. You have to know what you want in order to express it, and I enjoy that he is able to do so. I think also that celebrities sharing their lives and becoming the critical eye of the public.... is unfortunate, and is exactly what I am feeding into right now. However, I cannot control Kanye's fame or spotlight, and I am also able to admit that I am just one cog in the machine. Kanye is not a digital minimalist. He is really struggling with his and Kim's separation, and it is blasted all over for those on instagram to see. It is a sad sight. I would like to think I am not similar in that regard, but I just extensively typed about my daddy issues in the space above. So in some ways we are similar. In the sense that he is expressing himself, I respect. In the sense that he is harassing his loved ones and using a resource that is useful for evil and foul behavior, I do not respect.


Update Navigation Site Page (completed)

Re-create an "about me" page (Completed)

Add a photo log (?) (Not Completed)

Here is what I am currently Listening to

Written 04/14/22.