I actually feel pretty good, even though there are bad feelings under the surface.
Today I don't want to worry as much. I want to have fun, have a good time for myself. Tidy, clean, wear a cute outfit, be productive.
I told my therapist that I felt like a venus flytrap. I feel like whenever people get too close to me they get hurt. It's kind of proven.. I wonder if it's just a self fufilled prophecy. They do one thing to slightly upset me and then I shut them out. My brain goes into danger mode, high alert. I don't really think I regret any of my decisions this far. I know it seems I don't care about losing friends, but their reactions make me wonder if I should. Or if I should just feel a deeper level of care for the situation. I feel like there were things I could've done differently.. I got overwhelmed and so I just tried to push through instead of giving myself a breather. I mean I was giving myself a breather, and then I was asked if I was actually going to address it or not. Idk. Fuck man. It felt like such a conflicting situation... one person telling me one thing while another person seemed to be telling me something else. I know I didn't handle it the best but.. YOLO? LOLOL. I would rather them not be friends with me now and be able to escape the web by a thread than to become my sucked-dry shells of flies, their last sight.
I just think SOOOOO poorly of myself I don't know how to stop. It seeps into everything I do. I'm not as insecure on the outside, but I still think of myself as evil. To my ex, I once cried to her because I thought that if she got therapy then she and her therapist would conspire against me and realize that I was bad and leave me. I say the term "bad" as you would to a dog. It feels the same. And then this happens, and I realize not much has changed. Maybe a diagnosis of whatever the fuck is going on will help, but I don't know. I'm hoping I can use it as a tool. I don't know if I want to share it on this website because I don't know if I want certain people knowing. And that's a part of boundaries, so .... I don't know, I'll think about it. 4 days until I get diagnosed with.. something.
I have basically no friends now. I'm not even sad about it, I think it had to happen. The friends they thought I prioritized more than them don't even really talk to me that much at all. And the fucked thing is, I think I might've done just that. Prioritized people who didn't really care as much as them. I don't really want to talk to them until I for sure can say I am better and understand more of their side like they want me to.
Excited for the future and for all of this drama (at my hand) to be behind me. I hope I won't be like this forever, and it'll be an endless cycle. I want to grow past this. I don't really mind if they see me as a bad person anymore because I'm going to get better so if anyone in the future confronts me about my past actions then I can say that I am a better person then and then I will be able to say that I am a good person. Because I know I am deep down, it's just that even deeper seeded insecurities blind my vision and get in the way of me making goood decisions.
I don't know. Maybe this isn't what my therapist meant by saying that eventually we will cut off toxic relationships. She seemed confused about where they came from, how I met them, but idk.... hoping I didn't just confine myself to the very relationships she was talking about getting rid of o_o boy that would be embarassing HAHAHAHAHHA. oh well! I am able to make new relationships. I say that for every loss, but deep down I know that I'm too socially awkward to really allow myself to do that. I want to be able to do that, though. I know I hurt people. It's kind of just what I do inadvertently at this point.
I don't really know what my problem is. I guess I'll find out soon enough..? Will that be enough? I really can't tell.
Written April 16th, 2022.