Hello, I am back again! Current song(s) are Unnannounced by Picturesque [x], Avalon by $uicideBoy$ [x], and Down with the Sickness by Disturbed [x]. A lot of thoughts are in my mind! Let's discuss them.
My most current thought is that I keep wishing to open a messaging client, blog, social media, etc. and have the time of my life. That is, I wish to open neocities and have it function as though it is FaceBook. Simply running a website will never be the same as Facebook (unless I miraculously scour w3schools for coding that allows for comments and likes... that may be the goal, here), so I am stuck squandering around the sites that I do own, with little-to-no substance in the posts that I make. I miss blogs, and I wish that myspace was more popular. Microblogging is all the craze now, and it seems hard to connect with people more than the easiest, surface level "like and scroll" interactions that most people get nowadays. I crave more. I want randos on the internet to have the option to relate, empathize, and comment their own agreeances or disagreeances on my posts. I want internet arguments. I want messaging boards. I want web2.0. I want to feel like I am actually reaching someone in these posts of mine. I guess that's why I haven't been updating so much as of recent.. just lack of motivation/reward. It is nice to perform for an audience in a sense, but apart from that, there isn't much else. I don't even think I would have a "like" option, just the possibility of comments, no matter the length. Having everything tiny and palatable, easily digestible.. it isn't the life for me. Sure, it takes me time to understand more complex concepts, but I really do enjoy interaction. I like bouncing off of ideas, I like being able to share takes, and I definitely like a civil disagreement. I love being able to see multiple sides to things, and as long as one take doesn't infringe on others' unspoken rights or boundaries of law, then no harm no foul!
My second thought is the crowd I am around, and what traits I do not like. As I am realizing my own boundaries and forming a better sense of self, I am doing new things! Which is great, and those new things have brought me into situations that are less than preferable. I believe that someone I am in close proximity to is arrogant, whiny, and bossy. They command others and attempt to get others to pity them by stating how little income they make, spreading their personal business like wildfire. They have the most abhorrent takes and present them as fact, making them seem snobby and pompous. I really dislike it, and I hope in time I can bring myself to be in a different situation. First step - car, second step... revel in having active transport and not having to rely on others for rides.. its so embarassing.
I also think that the more recreational drugs I try, the more I become sxe. I genuinely hate hate hate not being able to remember things, and even if life gets really hard and enduring, I still like being able to remember all of it. It makes me feel alive. I don't like relying on substance use in order to feel better, and I really don't like the idea of relying on anything to do anything, at least, overly relying on something that is completely unnecessary to rely on. .. like drugs! I just don't want to get started on that path, I've seen how it ends, how it starts, etc. I just don't want that to be my life.
One thing I have done to push myself to be more social is to join a discord server! It has like 2000 people in it, and at first I was scared because of that, but really only a handful of people are online at once. It's like working at a thousand-employed company, but you only really talk to people you share a shift with. I hope that makes sense..? Anyways, I think, believe it or not, this server is helping me socialize a bit better! At first I was in many highly embarassing situations (but only to myself, hightened by mental illness) that made me want to avoid and almost made me want to leave the server/conversation, but if you power through uncomfortableness, eventually it will go away! I think that is a good thing that I have learned. If you avoid the uncomfortable feelings, it gives them power, and you will not want to return to the situation at hand because of embarrassment and shame... but if you ride through the wave and are not dramatic, then things are alright! More than alright! Anyways, being in a really active server about music is really cool, there's this bot that allows you to share what song you are listening to at that exact moment (powered by scrobbling), and it's pretty neat :>) I have always been one to obsessively copy and paste the music that I am listening to, sending it to unsuspecting victims (my friends), so this bot is awesomeee :>)) I will be the first to admit it. This application is better than spotify. It shows all that you listen to , and even recommends artists for you! I just checked the desktop site, so I just learned that, haha. And, unlike youtube, I am 90% sure that this site doesn't track your data in a way that makes you want to rip the tracking device out of your brain with a hammer!! (the tracking device being your lack of discipline.... i keep getting onto shit onto my phone even though I know they track my shit.... oopsies?).
I am also trying to get back into the grind of a. minimalism b. physical exercise, and .. i don't think much else, indulging in hobbies? Yeah, I think that's a good list. I really enjoy minimalism, and I don't like buying a bunch of random shit that isn't necessary. I like being able to hold back from buying something because I don't like it. I think being content comes from within, and if there is something that will bring me more joy by having it, then i'll get that item. But, if I don't like something, I just donate it. I like donating items that don't have any use to me. I like to think that all of the items I have donated have been put on shelves, but I know that isn't how thrift stores work (sadly). I mean, it makes sense that they have to sort through what is "worth" keeping and whatnot, but .. it just seems a little wasteful. I am a big fan of the indiginous practice of using every part of the animal, and I like to treat my items with the same respect. I find spending money to be almost as important as life, and I like to get a full life cycle of an item, if possible. DIY or die! Anyways, I have an appointment tomorrow, and I have to go to bed for that... posting and updating my website has made me feel better :>) I like getting my thoughts down. Time to eat some cookie dough! Sooooo yummy. Highly recommend the little piller dough boy brand, the dough is already portioned into cookie-pieces so it makes it easier to not over-induldge. Anyways, see you next time.
Written April 27th, 2022.