February 14th, 2023

I feel pretty good. Confused. I don't really know how to feel. I last night told my ex I didn't want to be friends after seeing them on a dating site. It just hurt. I don't really know what to do. After I told them that, they said they wanted to be with me. We were taking some time apart for them to figure out if they even wanted that or not.. I wish they told me earlier, on their own accord, with their own confidence. They just told me as soon as I wanted to break things off. I really want to be with them.. I'm just apprehensive, I guess. Time will tell.

Checked on another ex's neocities. I feel good about it because it doesn't feel guilty anymore and I don't have such a strong need to check it. I just feel like it once in a blue moon. It feels good, like I am free. She wrote that she felt she was made to be the bad guy in a situation. I feel like that might've been me. I got really upset and cried to her about my guilt and potential "delusions". When really, none of that was her fault. She asserted a boundary, and other people's reaction to that isn't her problem. I do regret making it her problem. I don't want her to feel at fault for any of my emotions or ailments. The way I processed it was all me. I don't find myself feeling responsible for the way she coped with things, because that was her. I do understand if I made it seem like my personal problems about her were her fault. It involved her, but it wasn't her fault at all. She hasn't been responding to me, which makes me feel bad that I kept talking to her, but I'm just going to stop as to not poke a bear I guess, or be disrespectful. She still has her Joker 2019 movie at my house.. I wonder if we will ever watch it, LOL. I feel weird about the situation of us being friends again because I feel like I'm the only one reaching out to her at our every conversation.. I don't really like that happening in any relationship. Despite her posting about wishing we were friends and not expecting me to reach out, I think it was more of a fantasy thing. I don't think she actually wants to be friends with me.

I am bringing legitimate consideration to my psychiatrist saying I'm bipolar. At first I felt she hardly didn't know me at all, so I felt her opinion was void. But a bit ago, for like 2 weeks, I felt so overly-elated to be alive. Kept having so many impulses and urges that made me scared of myself and I didn't feel safe alone. And then, it stopped. I felt really down. Really down. Felt like killing myself. I don't know why suicide is such a consistent theme for me. I'm almost never legitimately actively suicidal. It is interesting to feel, to feel like there is an evil deep inside of you that is waiting for a moment of weakness so it can take over, destroy you from the inside out and ruin your life or take it from you. I don't actually want to die. I never have. Sometimes I will. But usually there's some voice in my head screaming and begging and pleading for me to stay alive. It makes it harder. If I was 100% on board, I wouldn't feel like my brain was at war.

I love editing NeoCities from my phone. It is just so fun. To be able to do something I love in a place that is so convenient and on-the-go for me.

I think I want to learn a trade, but I am not sure. I don't really have a life direction or goal. I just want to be happy. It's my only wish. I don't want things to get worse and I worry I will be broken down over time by these impulses and will cave in to them. I can control my actions. I don't have to. But I get tired of fighting my brain. I just want rest, like in one of those gravity pools where it's completely dark and you are floating, completely relaxed and void of the world. For a moment, you are just taken away from everything. I am not a danger to myself or others, but I really want to go back to the hospital. Do you sense where I am going with this. I do not want to be broken down by these urges.

I do want to get a new job. This one is kind of boring, now. Stressed when I have to go to something so much. That happened when I was in school, too. Highschool. I couldn't cope with stress. I'm still only a little better at it.

But yeah. I don't really know what I want. I was scared of not being in a relationship, because then I didn't have any ties to keep me afloat, something to do it for, to be healthy. I could go off the deep end. I haven't. I still don't want to, mostly. Kind of do.

I met this person on Hinge yesterday, in 2021 we matched and as soon as we swapped instagram handles they sent me my own post (covered in fake blood) and said "I have a blood kink". It weirded me out. Then, we video chat yesterday and they like kept demanding I answer it almost? Also said that they don't consider nonbinary people to be trans because they have different oppression or something... like do you want a cookie? Chronically online take over, they were just weird in general and showed me lots of clothes that they had thrifted that were vintage, if would've been cooler and more impressive if there was actually more room for conversation rather piece after piece.. just came off as showey. I also mentioned I didn't have a binder on and they were like "what size tits u wear" and when I tried on an over-shirt for them & tried desperately to not have them be visible they said "Yeah I didn't notice anything you probably wouldn't have to bind".... it creeped me out WHY ARE YOU LOOKING sobbing emoji sobbing emoji. Maybe I can type emojis here.


I'm gonna go to a parts shop to fix my car Wednesday... I am so excited to drive again. It's only been like a week but it is so stressful to figure out how to get to work. I ubered for 25 DOLLARS once recently. It is 10 minutes down my house, maybe 12. My friends house 15 minutes away was 13 dollars. I hate uber. Recently I took shrooms & wrote a 2 page essay about hating Mark Zuckerberg. I will not post it publicly, because it is mean-spirited in many ways, but I might refine it and post it, LOL. I think it would be funny to go so indepth about my dislike towards him.

Apparently Google just tracks you for ads. This makes sense. I thought they were going to kill me lol.