decode - paramore

i caught myself - paramore

Valentine's day was hard. I live with someone now, and this is all I ever wanted last year, or, moreso, all I ever had. I am literally in the perfect position, but it seems a bit more dull without them. My roomate is a childhood friend, and we get along pretty well. Nothing much to complain about, but there was some drama the first month or so living here (alright, i kind of got myself into it, but you live and learn, right? It didn't really directly involve me).

I think about what it would be like if my parents didn't sit me down and tell me I was too mentally unwell to go out and study music performance in cello. If I actually did. If I actually went to continue to study it this year, instead of jumping on the first chance to move out. I think I would feel at least a little bit more fufilled, who knows. Maybe I would feel bleh, I am very introverted now that I am a bit more in tune with my emotions. I hang out with people and they make me exhausted, but a while ago I had something that filled me with joy. I can't help but to think about how nice it would be. I have made a lot of mistakes, I can't even sugarcoat it. I'm not saying this to gain sympathy, it's to gain perspective. I didn't respect boundaries, and still even recently had another falling out due to that.

I wish I had said different things. That I knew the skills that I know now. I was never able to get the proper treatment back then, but I now have a better support system and better coping mechanisms. That doesn't fix everything, but I will never act that way to anyone ever again.

For one of my favorite holidays, my dad and I went out to a local Art Gallery in order to look at the awesome paintings that they had :>) My dad kept touching my back and talking.. it was overwhelming. A year ago I would've gone into the bathroom and *hatchet noises*, but I am doing better now :>) I was able to do some breathing exercises and actually cope a little! It felt really good. I genuinely believe that some people cannot heal in the place that they were hurt, so this is my healing. I am so excited for the future. Nervous, but I know it will be good for me.

Apart from that, the day was pretty good! Before the museum I got groceries, which was pretty fun. Now, it feels really good to have my fridge full. Then I watched a movie or two with my roomate, it was fun!

that one kanye song - ghosttown

I used to feel a true, unfiltered love like no other. I still don't know if I'm lesbian or not, because no other small spark of feelings can compare. I think a lot of people look back fondly of their first loves, though. I think that one stands out for a lot of people, because it's the one that can feel the most powerful. But, with what I have around me I don't want to settle. I want to feel a genuine spark to those I care for. Which is why I am not trying to focus on romance :>) Gotta work on myself, y'know? I REALLY like being alone. If I am around others for too long, I get tuckered out. I'm not really used to this, I used to have more people that I would be excited by. Which, now, I'm still excited, but being excited makes me tired. I wish I could be around people that I felt comfortable being silent around.. that I didn't have to talk for, that I could just (as my dear friend depeche mode once said) enjoy the silence. I think eventually I will sort things out, though, one thing at a time. One thing at a time !!

Written February 15th, 2022