Yesterday was hard. You may be thinking, "how many hard days can this person have?", and the answer is usually not this many!!!!!! It is almost a little annoying. I was very excited for a therapy appointment, only to find out that it got canceled (without my knowing), and it made me break down. Well, actually I made me break down, but whatever. Close enough. So there I was, sobbing, at my mothers house, and it made me feel like they were right. That i WAS too mentally unwell to go to college and all that. I mean, I still technically could, but my goal is to live on my own at somepoint and I really want to do that someday. My mom asks if I want something more than just grocery stores.. if I want more for my life. I think I do, but I don't know what I want. I just want to be happy. and i know i'll get there someday, but idk. As my old discord bio says, I'm just "currently experiencing the epic highs and lows of live love laughing". It's true. Next on my step of digital minimalism is deleting snapchat, but the memories hold so many photos.. I can't bring myself to do it. I think the way that I use it now is fine, just texting every so often. I want to be completely cut off from others. Isolation sounds so good. A lot of people are annoying, or tiring, or something or another. Which doesn't make them bad, it just means it's another thing for me to deal with. I've been ranking my friends recently, and I've come to a happy solution:
It probably isn't smart of me to use their names, but they all aren't legal names anyways. Clover and Marshall are tied beneath Poppy. There's comfort in that, in knowing that my name that I use isn't connected to my birth or anything else. It isn't my "real" name, so if I ever just book it for that desparate isolation, they can't find me. I would be free. I don't know how I made it this far, but I'm glad that in past hardships I stuck on with my teeth and nails and every tiny bit of pleading to want to live inside of me.
I think in the past I used to try to take on others' problems as my own. I was the definition of those deranged, mentally ill "empaths". It disguists me. I now worry about myself B) Not in an asshole way, just in a self-assured way. My recent project has been trying to grow a spine. It feels good, to be able to actually have boundaries for myself instead of taking it and taking it and taking it until I couldn't take it. I am so glad to be where I am, but I dream of something more. Someday I want to become an old couple with someone. I know that your entire life goal shouldn't depend on being with someone else, but that would be paradise for me. Being able to wake up and make pancakes for someone I truly loved, who truly loved me back. It would be so swell. Recently, due to the buzz with the holiday, the song You Belong To Me - Carly Simons has been stuck in my head. It's a good one. I'm trying not to focus on the past, though. I want to focus on the future as well. Dialectics, y'know? I wish I felt a little less empty. I know there's something missing right now. This was all I wanted a year ago, but there's something fundementally missing from the picture-perfect life. I just feel unsettled. I'm just going through the motions.. and I know it's up to me to incorporate differences, to add the little things that make life worth living.. someday I want to go downtown, or go to the gallery by myself, like it should be. Maybe I will do that today :>) I think I would like to have a day to myself, bring a sandwich, wear something pretty that makes me feel a lady.. a self-date. It would be real swell. I do love myself, and think I deserve love and care. Sometimes it's just hard to see. So today, I am going to give myself that care. I will update later, toodles! I LOVE neocities, and I LOVE art and I LOVE being alone. Today is going to be perfect. Thank you for reading, I will probably make a picture log next! This Art Gallery encourages photography :>) It'll be nice not having someone comment on my phone usage, or saying something slightly-racist in a very quiet place when his voice has a loud echo. It will be nice this time.
UPDATE: Upon showering, i realized the museum was closed. woe is me! I will instead listen to new music, maybe watch saw again, and make/work on my already existing fanpages :>) Yay me!