I am officially committing to being single!
This blog post is going to be a bit more personal, but I don't really give a shit because A. this is my blog, and any other reason would just point back to "A.". Anyways a lot of my life has been as my (old) therapist used to say about people with [redacted] are just "leaches who suck the love out of a person, get confused when they have none left to give, and repeat the cycle over and over". If you have excellent detective skills, you can probably deduce from there what I am talking about, but if not, that is for my own privacy and not yours! wahahaha.
Anyways, I think that's what I've been doing. Just going from one person to the next, and as my current therapist describes it, loving "fast and hard", or just "going all in". It's stressful. I am sick of having crushes on people, from obsessing from one person to the next. So now, I am going to stop. System override, forced shutdown. My personal little computer that is my brain was wired to be compulsive and deranged, but I can conquer all environmental developments! Those were just products of what I was raised around, and I don't need anyone except for myself. I don't even have kids, so why am I living my life for anyone but? It doesn't logically make sense to be in my emotional mind all the time. And yes, while having a crush can feel good, it is exhausting. Liking people is exhausting. I've been single for a little bit now, but I am only now trying to break the cycle. No more dating apps, no more meeting new people through dating apps disguised as anything else, and NO MORE TALKING!!!! I am done talking everyone's ear off. I just want to do me. My mind has been like a printer for so long, a fax machine. There was no internal processing, just printing and printing and printing and printing. Even now, you may ask,
"CelebrityMonkey, even as you are writing this blog, you fail to realize that your thoughts are still being presented to an audience! Oh, the Irony!!!"
And to that I say, you are correct! I am still speaking all of my little thoughts onto a place where people can see them, but it's better than harrassment.
What do I want to accomplish out of this? There are a few answers to that. I want to heal. I want to get better, and adding interpersonal troubles to that mix would only make it worse. It isn't the life for me, floundering around one to another, never taking time to reflect on what's inside. So yeah :>) I don't know who'll read this, but thank you to whoever does I guess! This isn't really an invitation for conversation, rather a verbal reflection.