a year ago today I got my first psychiatric evaluation for suicidal/homicidal risk

I stated, "I am scared if I don't go then this will happen again but worse"

That tipped them off to bringing me inpatient

I was diagnosed with PTSD and a MDD episode

I Knew there was something deeper, but I did not have the tools to prove it

I was set up with a therapist who did not help me

I was set up with an intensive outpatient program

I knew the hospital was my only out to being able to get help. and it worked.

9 days from today, 03/22/22, I will have my second psychiatric evaluation

My first full-length psychiatric evaluation

I am very scared

I want to know what is going on with me. but I cannot tell. I want ignorance. I don't want to live with disordered mind. I want to live free. I want to live alone in a field, near the woods, being able to frolic and eat and sleep as I please.

I want a cat. Or maybe a dog

I do not want kids, But I would maybe like someone to share that experience with. I do not need much. Just one person to call my own who is equally devoted to me

I would like to live my dream. I don't know how to get there.