I never thought I would be the type of person to write out a diary entry online, where other people could see it, but I guess I will. I used to not understand it, as privacy is a very big concern of mine, but I think I almost understand it now. There is potential for others to view your inner thoughts, to truly understand how you work and churn and crank out complex thought.
I haven't updated my website in a while. My browser wasn't connecting properly, but I guess i was just one Windows Automatic Update away from it being able to connect. No matter, I am back, I guess! Who knows when or what I will update after this sob-sesh, I am quite busy at this moment in my life.
For a while I felt content. I felt really, truly, surprisingly, good. Peaceful. But now, what lies underneath... it's empty. I keep trying to work on relationships, to reach out to others, to fix friendships that hadn't been dusted off for a solid while, but it doesn't fufill anything within me. It's just more work. I know it's black and white thinking, and I know I should challenge the distortions I'm having right now, but I thought I would write them out at least once before I go to therapy and all that. (So I can at least understand what I'm actually feeling).
For a while, I felt content. But now, I'm tired of forgetting everything. Mid-sentence, all the time, I forget. I don't remember things I was supposed to. It's exhausting. I think I'm all tuckered out from social interaction. Maybe that's what this is. I just wish that I felt I had stronger connections with others, but instead of being mindful and actually building upon those connections, I get all up in my head and feel like second place. I think I should bring that up tonight, or at least another night this week. I want to go to the mall with some friends, but practically my whole week is divied up between either IOP, Work, or Lessons. I don't want to have to lessen up my wealth in money just to earn some more in relationships, but I don't know. I'm trying to get to know this person that I haven't talked to in a year or so, but I am slightly worried if I engage too much with him then it'll just bring me back to square one. I don't want to risk it.
On a lighter note, I am liking my interests now! Or at least I was, until I was getting all caught up in this person I was talking about. It's rather annoying, feeling the need to be liked by others rather being able to just enjoy things for myself. It is isolating, being alone, but at least I don't constantly feel embarrased for my preferance of breathing, y'know?
I think going out tonight will make me feel better.
Written July 26th, 2021.