I feel this is exactly where I should be at in life. I feel as though I have woken up from a deep slumber, I have shed my skin and am birthed anew. My entire life until this moment, I have felt hopeful rather willing.
To be hopeful is to cling on to some hope or fantasy that things will change. Throughout time, somehow, things will get better. You may keep doing exactly what you are doing, and just hope it to be different. In BoJack Horseman, hopefulness was shown in the form of Princess Carolyn in the earlier moments of the series, continuing to persue a relationship with someone that she knew was destructive and inhibiting, only to be met with the same result each time: dissappointment. She had hoped that this time would be different, that he would validate and love her in ways that she needed, to be who she needed, but each time dissappointed her just as much as the last. This is an example of your wishes and needs not aligning with the reality of the situation you are in. No real change is able to occur because you want to change a piece of a situation, instead of changing out the situation entirely. Hope is defined as the wishing of "a particular event that one defines possible" (Wordnik, The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition), and is a valuable trait in every being. To hope is to understand that you do not like the way that things are currently, and to know that change is possible. However, it is also not knowing how to enact the change that is needed. Wishfulness is a form of fantasy, a form of escapism. If you are stuck in a rut of relationship, addiction, mediocracy, and unfavorable patterns, it will eat at you. You know what you are doing is wrong, yet you keep doing it. Cognitive dissonance and distortions ensue. To hope without action is to chew without swallowing; It is a fruitless effort, despite liking the way that food tastes. It will not nourish you. Taste alone is delicious, but is not enough to keep you alive and fully functioning.
Willingness is the ability to change. It is radical acceptance, the ability to validate both the facts of the situation, as well as your feelings. To accept one or the other as true would make processing any situation incomplete, and that much more of a burden to carry. To carry on the BoJack Horseman analogy, PC is willing when she accepts that she wants BoJack to be different, and that he isn't. That he will never be who she needs, and that she cannot let herself get carried away in fantasy, lest she get hurt. She finds other men to love, and finds other ways to cope with wanting to be a mother. Willingness is the principle for change; it creates an environment that lets you move on to the next step.
I feel that this is my next step.
I finally feel free.
I feel as though this is my life now. I finally feel lucid. No longer will I run from romantic relation to romantic relation, trying to fill some void within me. I don't need to jump to dating app to crush to crush to app. I can just exist.
When I imagine myself, I actually imagine myself. Not attatched to anyone, no person that I need to tend to. Just me. For so long, I just wanted to live alone, by myself, in order to truly know peace. I do not live alone, but I think I have been able to find that. I feel alone now, like I can be myself. To be alone is to be able to be free. It is being able to laugh, cry, dance, sing, without fear of what anyone will say. It is comforting.
I feel like this is my life. That I now have agency over what happens. The pieces have slowly come together for this moment to happen. Transition, closure, independence. It all created this moment. I am so grateful. I truly do not care or fear for what happens in the future, because I have myself. I love myself, and I know that I will be able to cope with whatever is thrown my way. I can plan ahead, and change courses when those plans do not work out. I have trust in myself. That is a very powerful thing. Love and trust are very powerful feelings.
The past few years, I have been in a slumber. Instability, lack of skill/coping, fearful. I have let fear plague my spirit for so long. I do not feel afraid anymore. I am happy to be alive. I am excited for the future. I do not feel afraid when I am sober. I have no reason to constantly do drugs. I just don't feel like it anymore. They don't bring me anything. I have nothing to run from. I love being alive.
Thank you for reading.
Written January 23rd, 2023.