Lots of things have been happening lately. Many ups and downs, which I will discuss more below. Overall I love my life and I don't think I would live it any other way. I have a plan for my future, and a sense of hope. I feel I am gathering purpose for my life and I feel everything will work out as long as I have a general sense of what I am doing. The tricky thing about planning your life, is if you do it too loosely you feel you don't have any purpose and feel panicked at the lack of knowledge and hope for the future, and if you do it too tightly you aren't able to have any leeway without panic. So I feel this is a loose enough amount.

The ups are pretty good. I, just today, got more medicine, so I can be on my mood stabilizers at the proper dosage for now and forever (as long as I go to my psychiatry appointments). I am hanging out with friends, and validating myself and trying to take care of myself in the ways that I need, including hygiene, clean spaces for myself, journaling, art, and letting myself be alone when I need it. Overall just listening to myself about my needs and comfortability. Using DBT skills makes me feel proud of myself, and being able to take care of myself so consistently fills me with more pride and a sense of stability.

Another up is that I have been hanging out with my best friend Clover a lot. He is really cool, and I feel completely comfortable around him. I think it is the healthiest and strongest friendship I have ever had without any romance involved, and that feels really cool. I think it's really good to have friendships that feel good for you, as well as being able to socialize regularly. It's good for the heart. I know labeling things as "good" or "bad" is applying judgements to them, so I will look at it more logically and for "what it is". My friendship with Clover makes me feel happy and safe. It gives me the opportunity to unite with people and to practice interpersonal situations without the heavy attatchment of romance involved in it, as well as being able to have a support group that lasts regardless of my relationship status. I know I keep attatching the lack of romance to friendships, and I feel that may come across odd to some people. I just want to clarify that usually when I get into a romantic situation, I lose sight of my friendships, and this one is a relationship that I didn't ditch completely in lue of a partner. And that feels awesome to me. I think more people with autism should be friends with one another. Having fresh insight to feelings and coping and opinions is really nice, and I feel more people should cherish the friendships that they have. I am proud to call Clover my friend, and I am really grateful to be able to take such a bond for simply what it is: a positive influence in my life. Nothing more and nothing less.

Another up is that I'm letting myself do what I please without judgement. Recently I have been getting really into childhood nostalgia, and like to get things like Crayola crayons and colored pencils and magic marker coloring books that please me to use. It is nice to experiment with cheap and small things that make me happy, and to allow myself to purchase things without guilt. I am spending a bit too much money, so I'm going to have to work on budgeting, but it is something that I'm actively working on, so I feel it will be okay. As long as I focus on one thing at a time, I will be okay.

As for my life planning, I have a solidified plan as to how I'm going to pay off my debt to my mom, and I feel good about that. I should be done before I turn 20 in a few months, and if I stick to it, I should be golden. There may be some things that come up and postpone it, but I believe in myself that I can continue to work on it despite what will inevitably make things more difficult. I also have a plan for my career. My whole life I have felt despair at my lack of knowledge for my life career goals and how I was going to live my entire life without being in poverty. I now have a plan for an associates' degree that can be done entirely at community college, and I feel it will be able to happen. Studying is hard, and I can do hard things. I was stressed out about not wanting to swim in debt my whole life by having to go to university, yet having to be poor my entire life and struggle to make ends' meet because any good-paying job that hopefully doesn't make you want to kill yourself over labor requires a furthered education. And now I can make it. I have plans for my debt, for saving up money, for college, for moving out. I want to save up a few thousand before I do so, and I completely believe it's possible. With college on the agenda, I won't feel so bad about being moved in with my mom, because I would have more purpose while I'm here. Not that I didn't already have purpose of paying off my mom and saving up for myself, but it feels like I would be able to be more productive with this opportunity of not having to fight for my own survival and independence being moved out.

Here's the down. I recently ran out of my stabilizers and testosterone, which made me fear for the future. I found my stash of HRT, so that is essentially caught up, and it is already refilled for me at the pharmacy. I just took my dose of the medicine, so that is also caught up. But for a while, it was an unknown territory that was filled with fear. Another down is that I recently broke up with someone. The breaking up is more of an up than a down, because I feel really good about being able to listen to myself and my needs in order to put myself and my values first. Deciding to break up was hard. But I truly believe it is what I needed. I felt extremely guilty for a few days, and I also took acid right after doing it (I thought that it would be fine.. it was not! Very big shocker). They said that they "believed we loved each other enough to make it work out", but they "guess I was wrong about that" and they were "sorry for that". When I asked them why they said that to me, they said "believe it or not, I was pretty fucking upset". I wanted to know why they said it, or an apology, but this is closure enough. Excited to feel okay about romance after this so I can pursue new things. I know I am healthy enough for a loving relationship, and I am excited to see someone else that is ready as well. Good things are coming for me with time :>)

Although it hurt in the moment and sometime after, I am grateful for the romantic experience that I just had. It taught me more perspective as to why one of my ex's feels the way that they did. I was a similar way to my most recent ex a few years ago, which is why I held out hope for so long. If I could change, so could they. But you don't date people hoping for them to just change. It probably won't happen. My development took years of dedicated therapy, intensive therapy, and I am proud to be able to make it out on the other side. I now highly advocate for DBT to anyone that I find has black and white thinking or negative self image, and it does wonders if you let it and if you genuinely allow change within your heart. You have to open your mind to alternative ways of living, and to actually listen to other people when they say to try something different that may be more effective. I feel this mindset is truly what allowed me to overcome my past ways of insecurity and accidental manipulation. If my recent ex wanted to be friends years later, and I believed they truly changed, only to learn that they were holding onto hope and were still wounded by the way that we broke up, by me trying my absolute hardest to assert boundaries only for them to be continously trampled over, I would not want to talk to them either. So I don't feel negatively at all by her choice. I feel talking about both of these ex's on a public place could be morally questionable, but I don't feel terrible about it because it isn't on a very public space with much traffic unlike the three T's (tumblr, tiktok, twitter), and it is vagueposting (which is something I absolutely hate on popular sites where you know people will say something, very passive aggressive behavior), but I am not doing this with any intention of harm or even any intention of them seeing it. I know it is possible, which may be wreckless, but I don't believe they check on my site still, either of them. So I feel justified in this. I am not saying these things to make anyone feel bad, because I have no ill will or lasting negative feelings for either of these people, because they didn't necessarily do anything wrong. They both tried their best. And I am moved on, and treating myself well. I hope that they both are able to do the same.


Written March 28th, 2023.