I'm on Instagram 24/7. Actually every waking moment that is possible. I post so much on my story. It isn't worth it. What is it adding to my life? Are these really pretty women and creative makeup posts that make me a little joyous to see worth it? It feels like agony, realizing how jumbled my brain feels after hours of scrolling, hours of mining to just get one little copper ore. It feels weird. Not very good. I have just now realized that I exclusively post on my story for validation of others. I wait and see if people have "liked" my story with a little red heart. The only real use I get out of Instagram is talking to others. Posting myself. It feels nice to have little time capsules in posts, to share multiple photos of different things, rather just a set of selfies that I see a lot. I'm not like other girls, I use my instagram addiction in a different way 😈.
Ok, shitting on myself out of the way, I do like doing physical things. Actually putting my hands on something feels good. I just sewed for about two hours. It was a foot of a straight line. Ridiculous amount of time, but I think that's because I refuse to do anything but a backstitch, it feels sturdy. I was also sewing lace, and I was trying to make sure it wouldn't just rip off, so the stitches are like half a centimeter each. I feel like a normal running stitch would be too flimsy, even though it is a legitimate form of sewing. Idk, I saw a Burnadette Banner (? Edwardian/Victorian seamstress, makes historical videos & sewing projects for youtube, too lazy to look it up right now) showing how she sewed by hand, and ever since, I haven't been able to do another form of stitching. I once made this purse out of cotton.. weird material to make a bag out of, but I think the sewing would've been way better, had I done a backstitch. Maybe I did, idk. It was my first real project, and I am excited to do more. It feels really good to actually create. To make something that you can see the results in and have pride, you can use it, and you can say that you did it. Recently I got back into sewing, bought supplies (because I thrifted my old embroidery floss and needles.. I was like, "I'm never going to use this again so I might as well donate it".. WRONG. If you have crafting supplies that you've grown out of, wait half a year. See what happens. Do not make my mistake of clinging to minimalism as a solution to my hoarding. Find a compromise instead of polar opposites) for sewing from walmart.. even these cute little flower embellishments that you see on cute little things :>) I might put them around the neckline of a shirt or just as a little corner detail.. idk! They are really cute and looking at them makes me happy, so I am glad I got them. I like getting things that are cute and make me smile on the inside. If u get something just because it's funny, then in my experience, you will eventually look at it like it's damaged goods or something. It just feels like clutter and online scrolling rather genuine content and reading. If that makes sense. One clutters your mind and one takes focus and makes you feel free from your phone. Recently I sewed a star onto my pants, and I think it looks really cute. I want to do another, and to add lace to the left leg as well. Yas so many things planned.
Earlier today I think I realized that I miss my ex when I am doing poorly. Like, I will reminisce on things and the past instead of allowing myself to be mindful and in the moment, the reminiscing is the poor part. The mindfulness and DBT is the healthy part. Maybe I should try meditation.. I think that would be nice. I think not working (I hope I am able to soon) has made me realize how much free time I have. I really have the rest of the day free except for work. If I work at 3, I can do plenty before then. If I get off at 5, I have the rest of the day almost. I just have to stop being addicted to my phone, and then my time will feel far more free. I think people get on their phones after work to "catch up" and "decompress", but unlike reading the newspaper, it literally doesn't end. It just doesn't fucking end. You can have a conversation all day, you will scroll and scroll and scroll and scroll. I am so glad I don't have twitter or tumblr. I think if I only use IG on my PC then I will be okay..? But I do like being able to talk to my friends at a whim. Idk. Many possible solutions. Maybe I will just have Instagram on my PC.. I can still text. That is an option. I will try it out. I want to see what it is like to not have anything on my phone. I can also uninstall youtube, or just resist the urge to use it in place of social media. Made that mistake once. The only real thing is making sure I follow through. I want to have change, for myself, for my routine. I don't want to waste away looking at a screen. I make it sound very dystopian and dismal, but that is how it makes me feel. I am representing my feelings accurately. I accidentally fried my flip phone battery, but it might've been a blessing in disguise. Now I have to find a solution without polar opposites, a compromise. I need banking and accessible texting. I will miss T9 texting, though. Feels nice. Just not as convenient. I'll update on how only having Instagram on a browser is treating me if I feel like it.
My friend Finn says that it is okay to miss things. I look back on highschool fondly, it was a nice time. Mostly, lol. I do want that sort of love that I had, but I believe I can find it. I think genuine connection and authentic love is real, despite people taking their feelings and weaponizing them (even if unintentionally). I think unintentional abuse is most cases. I don't think people are able to help it to some degree. I do think a lot of people are aware of it, though. They get told over and over that their actions are wrong, cycling through people, and trying to find someone that will stick around for them for "true love". They want to be the one to discard so that they don't feel hurt. Not vagueposting fully, if u are reading this, I'm not talking about u 100%. Don't get defensive lol. I would guilt trip in high school without meaning to. I remember one time crying on the phone because she was asserting boundaries and said if those things weren't fixed then we would have to break up. I didn't respond to boundaries appropriately. So I held out hope, but it isn't fair to leave someone waiting for you to get better. A relationship is about the present moment, it shouldn't feel like you're sitting on your hands, waiting for things to change. They'll change if they change, and if they don't, there's nothing wrong in trying something new. Hearing that being said by my therapist really helped me feel okay with breaking up with my most recent ex. I felt really guilty. I miss romance, but I don't miss them. Maybe that's how she feels about me. Just missing the fact that there was romance in her life, not the person at all. I think I will feel the same soon. I might feel that way already, and that's just why I think about it so much. I do think it would be really cool to be friends, though. Every so often I have a dream about us talking and then I'm in orchestra again. Maybe it's a sign to pick up my cello more often. I am matching with cute people on bumble and I am excited :>) I don't expect things to go anywhere, but we will see. It feels nice to allow myself to let things come my way and not force myself into celibacy or a lack of romance or anything. Pretty women complimenting me makes me fucking die. Makes me absolutely silly in the head. I love it.
I like being alive. I want to become a dental hygienist. I want to share love with a woman. Maybe a man. Maybe. I just don't know if I could do it, to be fully into it. I just get so warm at the thought of women. Can't help myself. I allowed men on my bumble and my likes tripled. Still don't know how to feel about it. I took men off. Saying that I'm transgender in a dyke way, I think the right people will come with that. It's just being fully transparent. I feel transgender and I feel lesbian. People say that men aren't allowed in womens spaces, and I agree. I am not fully man, and I am not fully woman. I might be woman. I might be man. But right now I don't really think that matters all that much. I'm just trying to do whatever makes me happy in whatever moment I feel like. I looked up "lesbian" on tumblr to see if there were any cute posts about it, and it was immediately just smut. Maybe I am asexual to some degree because it's just weird to me. Probably demisexual if I were to specify things. Maybe that's normal attraction? I can't really tell. I think I am just normally attracted to people. I don't think I would ever be able to hook up with someone on a whim. Idk. This is probably really weird for other people to read. Still gonna post it lol.
I recently bought a CRT PC monitor... I am very excited. I don't have a personal computer, my mom has one, so I'll test the screen through that. I will eventually get a PC and mouse and all that, Ebay was just notifying me that they were running out.. had to snag it LOL.
I just don't like writing physically as much right now. I think it reminds me of my using, would do it a lot. I also just grip the pen hard and it cramps my hand, it's easier to just use chicklet keys than attempt to fix my posture, LOL. I am obviously not going to share everything here as I would a diary, but I want to try using neocities instead of instagram. I don't like having compulsions to check my phone during work, I want to feel free from my cellphone. It will be hard, since they are "necessary" in ways now, but I don't want to feel chained to it. I also think that writing here will help my need to write for others eyes, because even though I sometimes write with the thought of other people reading it, it isn't garunteed and there is no way for me to tell. I like that. I don't get the satisfaction of knowing. I just get to put anything out there, and do it for myself. It feels good to just get whatever out of my system and to be able to not really dwell on it as much. Feels really good.
This is what I am currently working on. Please notice my tiny stitching and be impressed at it 🙏 I'm putting a lace bordered square of stars on the front, and stripes on the back. I'm excited. I might post the results.
05/12/2023