TW - Descriptions of suicidal ideation
This is my confessional. A purging of my feelings.
I have done bad things. Not intensely wrong, nothing super illegal, just hurting others. And I haven't fully forgiven myself. Sometimes editing my neocities reminds me of the time that I did these things.
I used to believe that I needed to repent. That I needed to tell everyone what I did, so I did. I told everyone exactly what I did, so that they would understand what evil lied itself within me and took home within my body. However, I am not going to make telling people the point of this. I have already shared much beyond what was needed. The real purpose of this is healing. So back to the past. I used to believe that I was evil. Deep, deep, deep, deep down, where nobody could see.. where even I could not fully see, that I was evil. That it was a core part of my being, something that festered out of me at times. Recently I triggered this feeling again by indulging in habits I once threw away and moved on from. I recently, once again, felt as though I needed to repent for my sins and wrongdoings. I felt as though I was a deep seeded evil within the world, a concentration of it, and that my death would be so powerful, that it would leave the entire world to be slightly more saturated afterwards. I felt as though I needed to die to make up for what I have done. I then felt as though I was not the evil, that there was some sort of sickness within me, telling me evil things of the like, that I was posessed.
But that isn't logical thinking. Those are cognitive distortions, based on a core belief.
My therapist stated, "Do you think there is someone who exists who hasn't hurt others?"
"Do you think that after I learned DBT, became a therapist, got my licensure and became skillful, that even I have not hurt other people?"
I had not thought of that. I was very focused on myself.
I knew these thoughts were not based upon reality, but I didn't know how to stop.
The purpose in my writing this is to showcase my lowest times. I don't know why. I want to offer ways to overcome.
I guess I do not want people to idealize me, for I am just a random person posting on the internet. Everyone has hurt and will probably do so later in their lives. This does not mean you should punish yourself for what is, ultimately, a symptom of being alive.
I believe that my experiences have helped me live a fuller life, and if I were to not have experienced those things, I would not know about boundaries like I do today. My issues then, my wrongdoings, were boundaries. Even in recent times I have struggled with them. In respecting others, in creating my own for others to follow. I wouldn't know how to create my own, when others would assert theirs, it wouldn't feel fair. This, too, is a distortion of perception. Your lack of ability to do anything does not equate to other people not being allowed to do what they can! Just because you have held yourself back, does not mean that other people should, as well.
To make mistakes is a symptom of being alive. To hurt others is a potential side effect of living life with others. The risk of connection is being hurt.
Do you want to avoid all connection because you have hurt someone, or they may hurt you? No. Then why do you do it? I do not know. Fear is a powerful thing.
I want to get better. I am leaps and bounds better than I once was, and there is more to be done. I am settling too far into comfortability. I want to test myself, to become more comfortable with things I have never known. I want to ignore all fear I have. I do not want fear to run my life. So here it is. It is my manifesto. These are my goals. I want to have better self respect, and I want to process trauma in therapy. I want to enjoy myself, and congratulate myself for being alive, because it is a wonderful feeling. There are so many possibilities for what will happen next. It is all so exciting.
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Apart from that, some general life updates are that I am moved back into my mom's house. I don't enjoy it the most, but it is really cheap, so I am able to pay off debt to her (car payment) as I am in the process of getting this new job. It's a data entry position and is stated to be independent work, so I am really excited to try something new. I have only ever known one job before. I am hoping the trust fund government background check that needs to happen beforehand goes a bit speedy. I am in the process of getting a ThinkPad to try out learning Linux, my mom got 3 cats (I live with 2 kittens, 1 cat, and 2 dogs right now), and my therapists' insurance plan may change on me so I may have to find a new one. Hopefully not, but just in case I will write her goodbye. I would really miss her. She is the best therapist I have ever had. I hang out with my friend, text some, and am working towards getting a 1bed1bath apartment upon my new job. Living with other people has never really turned out well for me. Classic case of people who don't respect boundaries living with people who are shitty at asserting their own (me). I was getting better at it, but nothing was changing no matter how hard I tried, so I left. I really want to be moved out again, though. It was so nice and peaceful, apart from different aspects of the roomates I've had. I don't want to have to fear different people stealing from me, and I think living on my own would be a good way to not have that looming fear creep up. I could potentially live with my friend, but I really don't know how it would turn out, and he already has his own plans in that regard. I am also getting my brake pads on my car fixed today, which is something that I've been putting off for far too long. Glad I haven't killed myself in an accident or something. I am excited for the future, I think it will be nice.
DIGIMIN UPDATE: As for digital minimalism, I have gotten "Minimalist Phone" UI on the Play Store, and I really like it. It has the same layout as some e-ink phones do, I have come to realize, and with it I am able to "hide" lots of the useless samsung apps that I see clogging my vision from what I see on my apps list. Everything is words, there are no images to show apps, I really love it. I used a flip phone for a month, and after that, I was itching for my smartphone again. I missed snapchat a lot, but by this point, I have it deleted. I hate the fake story-posting, reaching out to a large audience instead of 1on1 conversation. It's disgusting to me. I am now itching for my flip phone after a month of smartphone. Maybe I will just switch back and forth and see what feels nice. I think the ultimate solution to my wanting an older phone, a simpler phone that I remembered in my youth, is by having no social media or random shit to scroll endlessly on. I wouldn't use youtube on my phone, because I had a computer. I really like having a laptop to do most things I want on the internet instead of a pocket computer that is different to what I really need.
I tried shrooms recently, and it felt nice. I just felt like me, no hiccups, no anxiety, overwhelming joy. It felt good. I have more, but it's definitely an "on occasion" type of thing, for me. I don't see the point in lowering my tolerance for something that is obviously to the degree of a holiday. If you limit your consumption of something, it becomes more special. The same goes for photos. Why take a photo of every little thing? I have 3k selfies on my phone. It's ridiculous. My goals for this site are to update my wardrobe (I now have a spread sheet of all of my clothing items), update my records, create a page for my CDs and tapes, create a fanpage for any interest I have that is more recent, and just keep updates on the front page in general. It's a lot to do, so I just want to do things one at a time. Thanks for reading.
Written 10/28/22